On compatibility

Are we on the same wavelength, amplitude and direction?

Compatibility is one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned over the past few years.

I am finally realizing that there is no absolute greatness. There is no universal perfection. No absolute good or bad.

There is just compatibility. Better or worse fit. Between a person and another person, a city, a job, a system or anything.

• A terrible friend for us may be a great friend for someone else.

• A great job for me may be a terrible one for you.

• A waste to our bodies may be food for microbes.

When we find compatibility, something beautiful happens. We become far bigger than a simple sum of parts. Something bigger emerges.

When we are find ourselves in incompatibility, our hearts want us out. Our energy gets drained, because trying to stay in an incompatible pair takes so much energy.

Especially for our major life decisions like a life partner, work and residence, compatibility is so important that it makes or breaks our lives.

What is compatibility anyways?

Compatibility is functional alignment. Any pair of two has some compatibility. A spectrum.

And it is not based on self-reported features. Not the kind who we say we are on our LinkedIn, Instagram and Tinder profiles.

Alignment in what we actually do. After all, we show who we are through our behaviors.

Alignment in three key aspects:

1. Concentrated. Everything in life is non-linear, so a simple checklist won’t predict compatibility. Some values are so important that they shape our identities, while others we can let go. Being aligned on fundamental values is non-negotiable.

2. Dynamic. We change all the time. We all have seasons, phases in life. And so do our partners, companies, and cities. Phase alignment is a constant must in the world of uncertainty.

3. Contextual. We behave differently in different environments. A great fit in one country might not translate in another country. None of us lives separate from our environments. Interdependent alignment.

In short, compatibility is having the right core values, timing and context.

So “does s/he/it tick all the boxes?” is an irrelevant question.

Rather, we should be asking

Are we fundamentally aligned, and growing towards the same direction with the same speed in this changing world?

Easier said than done. But better asked now than realized later.

How do we know our compatibility?

In reality, we never know if core values are aligned or if today is the best timing and context.

After all, we are all self-reported. We say and do whatever we’d like to look our best. Too well that we even believe our own lies sometimes.

But compatibility is a function of the two. Us and another person, city, job, etc. So the only way to test it is through actions. To see how the two interact. How the two respond. And how the two merge.

How can we test compatibility through actions?

1. Remove major negatives

Compatibility is truly tested in bad times. Simulate bad times, to see if it holds up.

As I wrote in Fight before you marry, testing for major negatives before commitment is arguably the highest ROI test for compatibility.

When compatible, we get stronger through stress. Anti-fragility.

Seeing how we feel about our partner, work, or home after tough times can reveal so much about our core values and contexts.

2. Check for everyday

Misalignment negatively compounds. Very subtle, yet gradually accumulates until it breaks us.

Can I be with this person, work, home, forever?

As I wrote in Infinity test, asking ourselves this infinity question can reveal whether we are truly compatible or we pretend to for something else.

And when we pretend our compatibility, our energy gets penalized for such transactional presence. If we need to take a break from it often, that’s a sign.

Seeing how we feel about being in the pair can reveal high-frequency alignment.

3. Grow together

Once we fight well and pass the infinity test, then compatibility is not to be tested, but to be co-created.

We all change. Sometimes we drift apart. Sometimes we change together.

And the best form of change is when we become better together. Going through tough times and getting better together.

• Married couples becoming better parents together.

• Startup co-founders improving their execution together.

We can always collectively grow. If we are, but the other not, perhaps we have outgrown the pair.

As with seasons, it’s natural for pairs to wear out at some point. Just know our time to leave our nests.

Some further thoughts

As I organize my thoughts on compatibility, my devil’s advocate has questioned it from several angles.

• “I’m interested in many things, how do we choose which one I’m most compatible with?”

→ If we can’t choose, we likely have not met our “one”. Explore through extreme exposure.

• “I am in an ok compatible pair. I feel ok. Should I just stay?”

→ Leave. Feeling ok is feeling numb. Leaving mediocre compatibility, you will never regret it.

• “But what if there isn’t better compatibility than this?”

→ There is and will be better and worse compatibility than where we are today. Not knowing better compatibility should not be an excuse to stay in mediocre compatibility.

• “But it’s comfortable. I don’t feel the need to leave.”

→ We often mistake low friction ease with compatibility. But comfort zone just helps us avoid difficult things. True compatibility is resilience, not avoidance.

Know us selfe

At the end of the day, we must first know ourselves.

We can date many people, work many jobs, live in many places, but unless we truly know our directional calling (”authentic selves”), we’d just be avoiding facing ourselves.

Some parts of such self-reflection wont be pretty, but we can only find our fit when we know our own size, style and preference.

With AI giving more and more “personalized recommendations,” we’ll increasingly be more nudged to choose pairs according to our reported selves.

Let us know ourselves well, to find and make great compatibility.

With Love,

Koshu