What is the optimal level of ego?

Not too much, not too little. But how much, what kind and for whom to hold our ego?

How much ego should we have?

This has been a recurring question for myself as well as for the great startup founders I work with.

We all have ego. Sense of self importance driven by need to survive. To feel worth. To be accepted. Ego is our emotional armor for social survival.

In startups, we need enough ego to believe that we can change the status quo, but not too much ego to attract and work well with others towards the mission. Or, another way put, too much ego chamber, seeing everything to confirm our ego, is destructive. Too little ego lets others take advantage of us.

I constantly oscillate between the two extremes; I talk too much, regret it, talk too little, and regret it.

Ego needs to be moderated. But how exactly?

Common traps of ego

In modern society, ego is conditionally tolerated depending on external signals: status, likability, success. Conditional currencies for ego.

We accept more ego for those of higher social status. Higher ego is tolerated as long as many like them. So just be liked more. But does 10x followers mean 10x the entitlement to speak over others? How many do we need to be liked by to justify our ego?

We sacrifice our ego in small interactions to make sure we get what we want in the end. So just delay gratification: lower short term ego to maximize long term ego. This works to a certain degree, but can we still hold lower ego when things go south?

We can have more ego as long as we prove our capabilities. Higher ego is often tolerated for those who achieve, and as long as our ego level doesn’t go over our competence. So achieve more. This feels merit-based, but does 10x valuation mean 10x the entitlement to be right? How can competence in one field translate to all others?

And today, these ego currencies are further getting distorted. AI is making us achieve temporary, artificial status, following and success far easier and far faster. The more ego currencies we have, the less value they hold.

Ego, revisited

Many of us hold ego as sense of self importance compared to others. We think in relative.

Are we more important than others?

Are we important enough for others?

But relative ego is a never-ending zero-sum game in the society.

Add to this, our need to feel important is often driven by fear and greed. We want to feel important as to avoid our painful past. We want to feel more important to pursue what we think will lead us to be loved. We can control our ego to pursue something else, but there is a limit to transactional tolerance. As long as we pursue external validation, expecting others to do something to us, we will forever be trapped in our ego inertia.

But, what if ego isn’t something to control, but rather to be re-sourced? From external to internal. From relative to absolute. From reactive to creative.

What if we can be important on our own?

Can we feel that our life holds inherent value, even before we prove, win, or gain approval? Absolute ego is the foundation from which healthy assertion, clear listening, and aligned action can flow. Without comparing ourselves to others. Without pursuing comfort or love proxies. From an emotional armor to a love source.

Surely, it’s not easy. We are social animals in the end and we need some ego derived socially. But if we can hold our ego from within, ego will no longer be a game of give-or-take. We can fully actualize our selves without putting others down, without expecting anything else in return.

We can still assert ourselves, but no longer aggress others. We can still express ourselves, but also listen to others. We can still take our own intentional action, but also accept and care for others.

When we can make ourselves important on our own, we can finally be released from doing everything “for me” to actualizing our collective selves “through me.” And this is exactly why this very Venture Humanist newsletter exists.

Let us ask ourselves:

What makes me feel important, truly important, to my own self?

---

That’s it for this week. If this resonated, share it with those interested in ego. And if you haven’t yet, subscribe to keep exploring deep thoughts.

With Love,

Koshu